Ellen kreeg op Bali een scooterongeluk

Een eigen tassenlijn en een leven dat zich afwisselde tussen Bali en Ibiza: vrijheid was voor Ellen Leautaud (48) het belangrijkste in haar leven. Tot dat scooterongeluk op Bali vier jaar geleden. Twee maanden lag ze in coma en een hersenbeschadiging en lichamelijke handicaps zorgden ervoor dat haar leven 180 graden draaide. Maar Ellen wil lopen en leven en gelukkig zijn.

Ze ziet een witte kamer, witte lakens, een open deur naar de gang. Haar hele lichaam doet pijn. Haar benen, armen, schouders. Ze probeert haar rechterbeen op te tillen, maar dat gaat niet, haar linkeroog zit dicht en kan ze niet openen. What the fuck doe ik hier, zegt Ellen als er een verpleegster binnenkomt. Later die dag vertellen de artsen haar in korte bewoordingen wat er is gebeurd. Dat ze een scooterongeluk heeft gekregen op Bali en twee maanden in coma heeft gelegen. Dat ze in coma terug is vervoerd naar Nederland en nu in revalidatiecentrum Heliomare ligt. Ze vertellen haar ook dat haar hersenen beschadigd zijn, ze blind is aan één oog en nooit meer zonder hulpstuk zal kunnen lopen.

Lopen is leven

Ellen snapt er helemaal niets van. De afgelopen twee maanden zijn één groot gat voor haar. Bali, het ongeluk, de vlucht; ze weet er allemaal niets meer van. Het enige wat ze denkt is: ik moet weer kunnen lopen.

Ellen, 1990

1990

Vrijheid van bewegen, letterlijk en figuurlijk, is altijd het allerbelangrijkste voor haar geweest. Als kind kon ze zo goed zwemmen dat ze bijna mocht meedoen aan de Olympische Spelen. Op haar achttiende verhuisde ze samen met haar ouders naar Ibiza. Ibiza was toen, dertig jaar geleden, nog niet ingenomen door de jetset en vele nachten danste ze tot zonsopgang in de Pacha of de Space – toen nog niet meer dan een ruig stuk land. Ze begon haar eigen tassenlabel en reisde daarvoor de hele wereld over. De wintermaanden verbleef ze op Bali om de productie te begeleiden, later ging ze er wonen. Ze deed aan yoga, ging regelmatig op retraite en deed in Bali nog mee aan de halve marathon.

Niet meer kunnen lopen was voor de vrije Ellen geen optie.

Kurkuma-thee

Inmiddels is het 4,5 jaar na het ongeluk. We treffen elkaar in Ellens woning in Purmerend, een kleine nieuwbouwwoning aan een hofje. Er staan Boeddhabeelden in de kamer, boven de bank hangt een spreuk: Remember, happiness doesn’t depend on who you are or what you have. It depends solely on what you think. Ellen heeft Kurkuma-thee gemaakt. Met haar lange blonde haren en mooie gezicht kun je je goed voorstellen dat ze ooit een bohemien leven leidde op Bali en Ibiza.

Maar nu is alles anders.

Een hersenbeschadiging heeft ze nog steeds. Tijdens het gesprek moet ze soms zoeken naar woorden, herinneringen lopen niet altijd synchroon in haar hoofd. Ellen: ‘Het voelt nog steeds alsof ik twee maanden dood ben geweest tijdens die coma en daarna opnieuw geboren ben. Alles heb ik opnieuw moeten leren: praten, lopen, bewegen.’ Feitelijk moest Ellen volledig opnieuw leren leven. Met Nederland had ze bijvoorbeeld eigenlijk niets meer; ze was er door haar avonturen op Bali en Ibiza al jaren niet geweest. Haar bedrijf moest ze opgeven, net als het reizen. Vijf jaar geleden had ze zich waarschijnlijk niet kunnen voorstellen dat ze ooit gelukkig zou kunnen zijn in een kleine nieuwbouwwoning in Purmerend. En toch is ze het.

‘Natuurlijk zijn er dagen dat ik ervan baal dat ik nog zo weinig kan en niet zo goed loop. Maar ik durf ook te zeggen dat ik het inmiddels kan accepteren en gelukkig kan zijn met wat ik nog wél kan. Dat is ook wat ik wil laten zien en waarom ik mijn verhaal wil vertellen en lezingen geef. Er zijn áltijd mogelijkheden, er is áltijd een weg. Er zijn zoveel mensen die iets hebben in Nederland, zoveel mensen die ziek zijn. Vaak gebeurt het dat mensen die hun gezondheid verliezen ook hun eigenwaarde kwijtraken. Hun lichaam heeft hen in de steek gelaten en ze richten zich op het negatieve. Maar ik wil leven uit liefde en delen en niet mijn hersenletsel zijn.’

Een rustig leven

Haar weken voltrekken zich nu volgens een vast stramien. Op dinsdag en woensdag reist ze naar Amsterdam om als vrijwilliger te helpen bij Only Friends, een vereniging waar kinderen en jongeren met een lichamelijke of geestelijke beperking kunnen sporten. Op maandag en donderdag traint ze in de sportschool en gaat ze naar de sauna. De overige dagen moet ze rust houden en is ze vooral thuis. Dan schildert ze of maakt ze een wandeling door de natuur. ‘Ik moet een heel rustig leven leiden, anders slaan de stoppen door. Mijn hersenen zijn zo beschadigd door het ongeluk dat ze op tilt slaan als ik te veel prikkels krijg. Dan lig ik binnen no time aan de hartbewaking op de Eerste Hulp.’

Wat haar verder helpt: veel yoga doen, blijven bewegen en supergezond eten. ‘Ik volg de ayurvedische principes. Op vaste tijden eten, geen vlees, veel groenten, geen suikers, geen E-nummers en bewerkt voedsel. De aansturing vanuit mijn hersenen is verstoord en als ik niet goed eet, merk ik dat meteen. Dan zwelt mijn buik op alsof ik negen maanden zwanger ben, krijg ik allerlei pijnen en voel ik me onrustig. Elke ochtend doe ik mijn yogaoefeningen, als het mooi weer is in de tuin, met ervoor en erna een meditatieoefening.

Ik deed altijd al veel yoga en dat heeft me gered: mijn lijf was soepel, wat me zeker heeft geholpen bij het revalideren. Mijn hele lijf zat in de knel; yoga gaf me letterlijk de ruimte om weer te gaan leven. Het is doodzonde dat er in de zorg zo weinig aandacht is voor het belang van goede voeding en beweging. Wat je in een ziekenhuis te eten krijgt, witte broodjes met kaas en magnetroneten, alsof ze je ziek willen houden. Ik zou dat dolgraag willen aankaarten. Ik wil het deel van mijn hersenen dat nog goed functioneert zo goed mogelijk verzorgen.’

Ellen, 2019

2019

Nooit opgeven

Lopen kan ze weer, hoewel soms wankel. ‘Ik moet snel lopen, anders val ik om. Maar met een stok of rek lopen is voor mij de doodstraf, dat zou betekenen dat ik de vrijheid moet opgeven die ik altijd heb gekend.’ Never give up, is iets wat je Ellen vaak hoort zeggen. Uren en uren en uren oefende ze om weer normaal te kunnen lopen. Twee jaar na het ongeluk wandelde ze de Dam tot Damloop uit. ‘Het was ontzettend zwaar, maar ik heb het gered! Door de Dam tot Damloop te lopen wilde ik laten zien dat vechten zin heeft. Mijn rechterbeen blijft ongecoördineerd en mijn rechtervoet blijft slapen, maar als ik me niet te veel op mijn pijn en handicaps concentreer, kan ik veel bereiken. Ik was zo trots op mezelf en was ontroerd door de mensen die me kwamen aanmoedigen. Met de loop heb ik ook geld opgehaald voor de Edwin van der Sar Foundation, hun werk is ontzettend belangrijk. Ik praat ook regelmatig met Edwins vrouw Annemarie, die zelf werd getroffen door een herseninfarct.’

Het is opvallend dat een vrouw die zelf eigenlijk zoveel steun nodig heeft, nu het gelukkigst wordt van anderen helpen. ‘Anderen willen helpen heeft altijd in mij gezeten. Op Bali hielp ik vaak kinderen die uit armoe niet voldoende te eten hadden. Mijn ongeluk heeft me doen inzien dat ik niet naar de andere kant van de wereld hoef om anderen te helpen. Mijn werk voor Only Friends is alles voor mij. Een kind met een rollator dat een doelpunt maakt, dat is het allermooiste. Als ik zo’n blij koppie zie, denk ik: daarom moest ik hier blijven.’ Zelf heeft ze nooit kinderen gekregen. ‘Dat is het enige waar ik echt spijt van heb in mijn leven. Ik was altijd te druk met mijn business en met reizen; een kind paste daar niet bij, vond ik. Een stompzinnig idee, dat helaas niet meer valt terug te draaien.’

Thuis bij jezelf

Vaak, als ze ’s morgens na haar meditatie nog even in het gras blijft liggen, realiseert ze zich hoe blij ze is dat ze nog leeft. ‘Dat blijft een wonder. De artsen op Bali hadden me al opgegeven. Er zat geen enkel leven in mij. Omdat de verzekering de behandeling niet langer wilde vergoeden, wilden ze de stekkers eruit trekken. Mijn familie heeft er toen voor gezorgd dat er geld werd ingezameld en ik kon worden teruggevlogen naar Nederland. Als zij dat niet hadden gedaan, was ik er niet meer geweest. Er is een periode geweest dat ik daar niet heel blij mee was. Toen ik na Heliomare bij mijn moeder ging wonen, viel ik in een diep gat. De zin van het leven was weg voor mij en ik heb een periode in een psychiatrische kliniek gezeten om met het verlies van mijn gezondheid om te leren gaan. Juist omdat ik zo diep heb gezeten, ben ik heel dankbaar voor hoe het nu gaat.’

Karma

Het ongeluk heeft haar meer inzichten gegeven. ‘Ik geloof in karma. Geloof erin dat bepaalde dingen je moeten gebeuren om tot inzichten te komen. Ik zal niet zeggen dat ik blij ben dat het ongeluk me is overkomen want ik heb met mijn handicaps en hersenbeschadiging levenslang, maar het heeft er wel voor gezorgd dat ik ben thuisgekomen bij mezelf. Ogenschijnlijk leidde ik een fantastisch leven, maar het was ook eenzaam.

Op Bali stond ik er met mijn business helemaal alleen voor, dat was best hard. En ik liet me vaak leiden door onbegrensd gedrag. Ik leefde gezond en deed aan yoga, maar ik dronk ook snel te veel en heb de nodige drugs gebruikt. Mentaal was ik niet in balans. Ik ben me enorm bewust geworden van mezelf en wie ik ben en wat ik allemaal kan met de beperkingen die ik heb. Eenzaam voel ik me niet meer; ik ben nu samen met mezelf.’

Ellen schreef een boek over het ongeluk: ‘Ibiza Bali Revalidatie’. Paris Books, 17,50.

Meer Powerstories vind je hier:

Heb jij ook een mooie powerstory? Stuur dan een mail met jouw verhaal naar online@wendymultimedia.nl.

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